Fun with Alice's iPod
by xxXXTwilighterXXxx
Summary: What happens when the girls go out for a day and Edward, Jasper and Emmett are left alone with Alice's iPod and a dress up closet.
1. Beyonce, UniTards and Wedgies

"You guys ready?" Emmett yelled from behind the camera.

"Yeah!" Jasper yelled in excitement.

"This is gunna be freakin awesome!" Edward yelled.

"Wait a second. Are spandex uni-tards supposed to ride up like this, cause I'm feeling spandex in places i never knew existed."

"Jasper, just get over it you big girl. We all have to wear em'." Edward said as he flicked out a giant wedgie.

"I'm finding these very easy to adjust to. I don't know what you problem is Jasper." Emmett said as he flounced around the room in his uni-tard and heels.

"Emmett, do you want the girls to come home and find you in Rose's favourite pair of Christian Louboutin heels." Edward said.

"No." Emmett pouted.

"Then start the camera!" Edward yelled.

3, 2, 1 BEEP!

Edward: Now put your hands up. Up in the club.

Emmett&Jasper: Club

Edward: Just broke up

Emmett&Jasper: Up

Edward: I'm doing my own little thing. You decided to dip.

Emmett&Jasper: Dip

Edward: And now you wanna trip

Emmett&Jasper: Trip

Edward: Cuz another brother noticed me. I'm up on him

Emmett&Jasper: Him

Edward: He up on me

Emmett&Jasper: Me

All: Don't pay him any attention.

Edward: Done cried my tears

Emmett&Jasper: Tears

Edward: For three good years

Emmett&Jasper: Years

Me: Now ya can't be mad at me

All: Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
if you liked it then you should put a ring on it

Me: Don't be mad once you...see...that...he...want...it

Emmett&Jasper: If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
uh oh oh uh oh oh oh oh oh uh oh oh

"Emmett, Jasper, SHUT IT!" I hissed at them as I sort of attempted to crawl into a ball-of-shame type position to hide myself from the three girls that just walked through the door.


	2. Punishments, Bleach and Checkout Chicks

**A/N: Sorry I didn't have any author's notes in the last one. My laziness catching up with me. I hope you like this chapter. Good to know that my first one wasn't just me totally crapping on about nothing. **

**Enjoy :D**

**Edwards POV**

Punishments, Bleach and Checkout Chicks

"Wow, who knew Emmett's legs looked so good in a uni-tard." Alice giggled.

"Those aren't my...they are! Oh my god! Emmett McCarthy Cullen, you come back here with those shoes!" Rosalie screeched as she chased Emmett up the stairs. He made a scarily graceful bounded up the steep staircase and onto the tiles where he escaped out of the room.

"Should I even…" Bella began.

"I have a very good explanation; I just have to come up with it first." I said, smiling, but still hugely embarrassed.

"Jasper, honey, why are you in a spandex uni-tard." Alice asked calmly.

"Well, we were just…" Jasper began.

"We've spoken about this Jasper! You can only wear spandex on the first two weeks of every month after I've waxed your legs! God, have you forgotten everything from orientation?"

"Dude, you wax your legs?"

"It makes me feel pretty OK!" Jasper sulked as he ran girlishly out of the room. Alice followed quickly behind him.

"So how's that explanation coming along, huh?" Bella questioned.

"Uh…" I was lost for words.

"You know what. You actually make a spandex uni-tard not look half bad. And I might use Alice's idea of the leg waxing…" Bella smiled evilly. I knew what she was thinking. Well duh!

"Oh no you don't!" I kicked of the heels and started to make a run for it.

Before I knew it, Bella had me pinned up against the bathroom wall. She pushed me into the bathtub, and then reached down for the wax strips.

"No! You can't do this to me! It's not fair!" I yelped.

"Well, I wish I didn't have to bring this up, but remember the time Charlie came over for dinner. You invited him. I told you not to. Oh the pain of the awkwardness!" She dramatically flung herself back onto the tiles.

"You see my point." She smiled as she got back up.

"You really are evil when you want to be."

"And you thought you married cute, innocent and shy. Pfft!" She giggled then took the wax strip and slapped it down on my leg.

"You have to options. You can either get this over and done with now and let me rip it off, or you can walk around with a wax strip attached to your leg. Which will it be?" She asked.

_I really don't want to be trying to be a tough vampire walking around with a pink wax strip on my leg, but I also don't want to…_

"Oh mother of all that his holy!" I yelped. She pulled it off before I could even finish thinking.

"That was mean!"

"I know. That's why it was fun." She giggled as she kissed me then skipped out of the room.

"I hope that means we're even!" I yelled after her.

I knew she could here me.

"Oh dude! I knew you were old but I didn't know old people got bald patches on their legs!" Emmett laughed as he came in.

"Shut up and help me up."

"So what punishment did you get for taking off with the shoes?" I asked.

"Well, it's still playing out really. It takes 20 minutes for it to turn out. She's given me highlights Eddie! Blonde freakin highlights!" Emmett said as he grabbed the collar of my shirt and shook me.

"Calm down Emmett! They're just highlights!" I said as I shimmied out of his grasp.

"You don't understand man! I'm screwed! This shit is permanent! Why didn't she just use the semi-permanent like I begged for! Why?!" Emmett cried.

"Um…I have an idea. Why don't you just dye it back to its original colour?"

"Eddie! You're brilliant!" Emmett said as he began to rummage under the bathroom vanity.

"I have my moments."

*** * * * ***

"You go." Emmett said as he nudged me.

"No you go. It's your hair!" I nudged him back.

"But it was your idea!" He whispered loudly.

"Fine! We'll both go in!" I said as I dragged Emmett in by his arm.

You see, since becoming vampires, us males haven't had the need to step foot in a supermarket or clothing shop again. Alice treats shopping like a sport. A sport in which we only choose to participate in if she has us a Nipple Cripple point.

Emmett and I were a tad intimidated by all the products in the Hair Care isle. Majority of one side of the isle was covered by hundreds of pickets of women flicking their hair.

"Why do women need so many shades of hair colour? Before today, I though there was just black, brown, red and blonde but according to the packet, there are about five different colours in-between each other them. What the hell Midnight Amber?!" Emmett shouted a bit too loudly.

"Well it looks like black. I'm not sure though. Maybe its code. Maybe it's like those secret bookshelves in the movies where you take one out and a doorway appears!" I said.

"So that's why they take so long to go shopping. They're all having a party back there." Emmett said as he franticly flicked boxed back and forth as if to find one that leads to a secret party room.

"Emmett! Remember what we're here for! If keep taking your time, you're gunna look like that gay guy from N'sync."

"Do not speak of that band. N'sync are like gods!" Emmett said, slightly more dramatically than the situation called for.

"Just choose!"

"Ok. Is this one good?" Emmett said as he held a box up against his head.

"It'll do. Now let's go."

"Hello there. I'd like to purchase one item please." Emmett said when we got to the checkout.

"Sorry about him. I'm just taking him out for the day, then he's going straight back to the home." I said. She didn't look convinced, but just scanned the dye and glared at us.

"Have a nice day!" Emmett yelled as I pushed him out the door.

"That was fun. I don't know why we don't go more often!" Emmett said with a large smile on his face.

"Let's just get out of here before the sky starts to clear up. You don't want have bleach blonde streaks and start sparkling now do you?"

**Hope you enjoyed. Please review and tell me what you liked or didn't like, or just leave some random shiz, I don't mind. I'm not sure if I should have split this chapter into two, so if you think it's too long, just sent me a message or write it in the reviews and I'll make my next ones shorter. Anyways, the next chapter should be up very soon. **


	3. MixUps, Speedo’s and Nick Carter

**A/N: I am so sorry I haven't posted in like…FOREVER! But I promise to update more frequently since its school holidays. This is when my creative juices flow *throws hands in hair and runs around*. What will happen to Emmett? Why does Twitter get involved? Is Nick Carter fabulous or is it just me?**

**Enjoy :D**

**Edwards POV**

**Mix-Ups, Speedo's and Nick Carter. **

"What the eff is this for?!" I exclaimed as I held to two bottles in front of me face, examining them closely.

"Eddie. I though in all those years of being lonely and not getting any, you would have read something about how to operate a bottle." Emmett smirked. That was probably the most intelligent thing he has ever said. I laughed to myself.

"Ok. Just...Just give me a sec."

Emmett started bouncing up and down in his chair like a toddler.

"Hurry Eddie! I think I can feel the streaks seeping into my brain!" Emmett squealed, holding his hands up as if he were melting.

"It's ok Emmett. It wont hurt what little is in there."

Emmett glared back at me.

"Ok. I think that's it." I said as I walked over to Emmett from the sink.

"Yay!" Emmett said as he clapped his hands like a giddy little school girl.

*****40 minutes later*****

"Edward!" Emmett screamed from the bathroom.

Ok. This cant be good news. He hasn't used my full name sine the 70's when I used all his hair gel in an attempt to make Jasper look like Ken for a costume party. It's amazing what you can do with a can of Spray on Tan and a wax strip. Let's just say that after we were finished with him, he had less than half an eyebrow left and looked like a tandoori chicken dressed in a Speedo.

"What is it?!" I yelled, running into the room.

"Look what you've done!" Emmett yelled as he pointed at his head.

I couldn't help but laugh. His hair had somehow turned completely bleach blonde!

"You look like...you should...be trying out for... the Backstreet Boys! You look ridiculous!" I managed to blurt out in between my hysterical laughter.

"Oh my god I'm going to kill you!" Emmett said as he stomped one foot on the ground like a girl with PMS. But this PMS was coming out of a Vampire twice the size and weight of me.

"How did this even happen. What did you read on the box?!" Emmett demanded.

"Well. I read on the box..." I picked up the box and continued reading the back of it.

"...leave in for 40 minutes...oh no." I couldn't believe it. How could I have missed that?!

"What?!"

"Well...It says here, in really tiny print I might add, that you are not to use it on your hair if your hair is already partially or fully dyed." I looked up at Emmett, still fuming.

"How could you miss that?! You're a god damn vampire! You're not illiterate!"

"Emmett. Do you even know what illiterate means?"

"No! But I'm mad so it doesn't matter!" He said as he stormed past me.

_*click*_

"Oh I'm so posting this on Twitter!" Jasper exclaimed as he snapped a photo of Emmett look strikingly similar to Nick Carter.

"Rack off femo (fake emo)!" Jasper was used to being called this. It has really caught on. Even Carlisle gets in on it!

Jasper was still giggling as he flicked his phone out and within seconds, it was on his Twitter page.

"Hehe." We went over to look at what he'd posted.

'This would be the result of a giant Boyband orgy.' Then the picture of Emmett looking slightly crazed.

"Omg! I'm so telling Alice that you've been looking at gay porn on your phone!" Emmett yelled as he ran in the direction of Alice and Jaspers room.

"What?! No! I haven't! Don't!" Jasper yelled, running after him.

****10 minutes of poking Nessie in the belly later****

"Aw Nessie, you are the cutest baby ever! You got a big baby belly. Big brown eyes…and a big baby butt! I like big butts…" I put Nessie down in her crib.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny!" I sang as I danced around her room. Nessie began clapping her hands and laughing.

"When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung!" I sung as I continued around the room whilst smacking my butt.

Nessie just continued to laugh and clap her hands. I can't remember the last time she laughed like this without Emmett being the finished product of a female Cullen makeover. That girl is all about the ass!

When I finished, I tucked Nessie in and turned to walk out the door.

"Jacob! I…I didn't hear you come in…" I said frantically trying to think of a sane reason why I was singing Baby Got Back to an infant.

"Obviously. But Edward…a tip…"

Oh god! He was probably thinking I'm an unfit father or some kind of nutcase!

"She likes more dancing." Jacob said as he picked Nessie up and held her.

"See…" He said as he put Ness over on the rocking chair and began dancing around the room with a considerably larger amount of ass/hand action than I displayed.

I stood there with my mouth wide open.

"What are you doing over there? I need help here!" Jacob exclaimed as Renesmee was clearly loosing interest.

I joined the in and Jacob and got really into it.

"Tell 'em to shake it! Shake it! Shake that healthy butt!  
Baby got back!" I sang as I slapped Jacob's ass several times.

"Now, one more time from the top!" We sang with much enthusiasm.

_Why am I doing this? _I though to myself at the precise moment when I saw Bella's face in the door way.

"What ever happened to knocking?" I yelled, profusely embarrassed by being yet again, caught awkwardly dancing and singing my way through an inepropriate situation. Such as singing about asses to a two-year-old. Let's keep this between you and me. Child services don't need to know…


End file.
